Do It Scared

If fear is the only thing in the way...keep going.

I stopped praying for confidence.

Since I stepped out of local church pastoral ministry with a hope and a goal to venture into a new world of sharing my story, faith and dreams beyond sanctuaries and pews, to people in need, out in the world of work and community, I have been asking God repeatedly for confidence, clarity, the ability to see clearly where God is leading. I was sure confidence was all I needed to keep going and ensure I have made the "right” decision on this leg of the journey.

Yet, just last week, I shifted my prayers to something more valuable than all the answers laid out in a neat row, nicely pressed so that others will believe me when I say, “I am doing a new thing.”

My new, more valuable prayer will give me strength to pursue, even when the road is dark, winding and without signs I have arrived or how many more miles to go. This new prayer will bring me tenacity to continue, not stopping because it’s hard, uphill or strange. This new prayer is one that won’t provide a crisp PowerPoint explanation of what’s next, but does give me the ability to keep putting one step in front of the other, steadily, even as my heart is pounding, my hands are shaky and my vision is still unclear.

I’m no longer praying for confidence; now in the face of this new adventure, I pray for courage.

“Do it scared.”

I will never forget hearing God say these words to me directly, in the middle of an old dusty church on an early weekday morning long before pastoral or vocational ministry had begun. I was still new to faith and seeking, longing, looking to understand God more clearly. I wanted to learn to hear God’s voice and trust God’s leading especially above my own.

It was “30 Days of Prayer and Fasting” at a friend’s church, so in my hunger I accepted the invitation and went daily, at 5:30 AM each morning for a month. My friend only made it once, but I needed to be there, sitting on a wooden pew, surrounded by people I didn’t know seeped in humble prayers. Many layed on the ground, with their face to the carpet, weeping aloud as they repeatedly asked for exactly what they needed, trusting God would answer faithfully.

Each morning the pastor preached about Jesus’ baptism, when the Spirit descended like a dove, reminding us of God’s presence in all things. The people testified regularly to how God was working, moving, showing up and providing healing in their ordinary lives. They worshiped together, prayed together and convinced me that God was there, in the small chapel surrounded by people not yet prepared to begin their work but fully committed to come before God with all their burdens, no matter how heavy.

On the last morning, we were invited to receive holy communion together as an act of trust in the faithfulness God has already delivered. Though I could see the Walmart bags and King’s Hawaiian Bread wrapper, something convinced me the elements were poisoned. This group had been meeting all month as an act to trick me into taking their cult meal, surely setting this whole facade up to harm me and my witness of what the 30 days of prayer had done to me. No way was I going to fall for it. They weren’t going to get me!

As the crowd formed a circle and reminded one another of Jesus’ powerful grace poured out, I stayed in my seat praying, “God, I am so scared. God I am so scared of where this will lead. God, I am so scared; please help me!”

As I sat praying, trying to convince myself I was unsafe, vulnerable and close to death, God whispered back, “then do it scared”, as if to say fear wasn’t a deterrent for what God was up to, why was it for me?

That morning I took communion with a room full of strangers who had openly shared their prayers and praise with me for 30 days without seeking my credentials, validation or assurance I was safe. Together, we remembered and accepted the grace of God already poured out, no matter how much fear was in and outside the room.

And something in me changed, at least momentarily. I did not choke or fall due to mischievous poison intended to hurt me. I was filled with the realization that not every step is going to be clear, or comfortable. Yet, God is still there.

Those steps have included leaving my non-profit career, starting seminary, entering vocational ministry, planting faith communities and stepping beyond to discover what communion outside the church might include. I still don’t see every step clearly, and I am still very scared. Yet, God is here.

This morning, I answered my virtual spin instructors question, “What hurdle are you working to overcome?”, by shouting “doubt” to the screen. Yet, as the words came out of my sweaty lips, I quickly realized, I am not unclear of what I am called to do or if it’s the right thing. I am not facing doubt at all; the truth is I am simply scared.

And, the good news about fear is I know how to overcome: do it anyway.

To be afraid is not wrong, without faith or facing an easy barricade to overcome. Yet, there is a simple answer that will still get you there: do it scared. Just as Jesus wept in the garden before arrested, beaten and brutally killed as a testament to what happens to those who do not fear, we too can face the scariest hurdles with trust that something more glorious, powerful and good is always on the way.

Do it scared; God’s grace will lead the way.